Carlingwood - The majority of all world problems have finally been solved by a group of old men who frequent the food court in Carlingwood Mall in Ottawa. After days of countless meetings, commentary, opinions and insight, the group of seniors who can be seen congregating at a table opposite the Manchu Wok, have solved everything that was wrong with the world.
All categories of dispute including religion, politics, financial markets, war, gays, and the younger generation were addressed in their problem resolution exercises that involved a lot of finger pointing, raised voices and references to the "the old days". The group, consisting of five men between the ages of 70 and 92, meet every day with their Tim Horton's coffee and discuss and/or complain about a variety of topics that plague modern civilization. "Gas prices are too high because the politicians are greedy and want to fatten their pension." remarked one member, Lorne Strunkler, who also solved the problem of poverty by saying "Everyone should get off welfare and join the army like I did when I was broke back in '39."
Other group members commented on immigration issues, which apparently can be rectified by "shipping them all back where they came from". Lyle Midaldi remarked how increased mobile telecommunication devices and social networking are "a plague and everyone should just calm down and read a book instead." Midaldi also noted how fashion trends are ruining the world and that "in my day, men wore a tie to work and girls a skirt, none of these hobo clothes or burlesque show outfits."
Upon hearing the news of the global problem solving, the United Nations contacted the group of old men to speak at a World Summit in Stockholm this spring, but only two members will be able to attend due to upcoming surgeries and family obligations. "Bill will go over there and let them know we figured it all out." Strunckler commented before picking up his prescription medication at the nearby mall Rexall Drugstore.
United Nations General Secretary Ban Ki-Moon is ecstatic at the group's problem solving abilities and looks forward to inviting them to participate in the next General Assembly meeting in January. "These guys have it all figured out, so we need to listen to them with open ears." Ki-Moon declared.