Government Employee Wears Bike Helmet, ID Badge Everywhere

Emily Rottman never removes her bike helmet.

Ottawa - An area woman is still wearing her bike helmet even though she has been off her bike for hours and is going about her daily routine. Emily Rottman, 46, a Level 3 analyst for some Government Office was spotted parking her bike downtown after a commute in from the Glebe. Heading to her office cubicle, Rottman did not remove her helmet, and continued to never remove her helmet all day. 

Going about her daily work routine of attending meetings, Rottman never once thought it was odd that she continued to wear a bike helmet around even though she was no where near a bike. The helmeted government employee continued to eat lunch, and make some copies, all the while still wearing her bike helmet adorned with lights and a projecting rear view mirror.

Rottman out on a date with the bike helmet.

Even attending a wedding, the helmet stays on.

When asked about the helmet, Rottman replied "I just can't be bothered, since I will be on my bike again soon anyway." The helmet continued to be worn after commuting home from work, and even when on a dinner date at a local vegan restaurant. Rottman continued to also wear her laminated government ID badge the entire time outside the office. "The ID badge and helmet are all part of a lifestyle I like to live, and they both seem to compliment each other." Said Rottman, who also wore her laminated government ID badge and bike helmet to her niece's wedding this past weekend. "It was a wonderful outdoor wedding that I biked to and I really enjoyed being a part of all the wedding photos." stated Rottman, who also admitted she wears her helmet and ID badge to bed. "It's a comfort thing, and I find they both allow me to show the world who I am as a person." 

C.H.U.Ds Weigh In On LRT Tunneling Plans

A CHUD listens to Mayor Jim Watson discuss the new LRT tunnel plans

Ottawa - The City Of Ottawa heard the Cannibalistic Human Underground Dwellers (CHUDs) concerns Thursday as they look to tunnel under the city for the proposed Light Rail Transit line.

More than 28 CHUDs packed into Ottawa’s city council chambers for a light rail open house that night. It came a few days after the city announced its plans to tunnel underneath the city beginning in the west near Westboro, and then under the downtown core that could disrupt the secretive, but balanced lives of the many CHUDs that live underground in a complex system of tunnels built to prey on unsuspecting residents.

CHUD Craxus studies the tunnel route that runs into their underground lairs.

Many CHUDs along the proposed route said they’re concerned about noise, vibration, access to the sewers and even how it may affect their nocturnal feeding habits on human flesh. Some of the CHUDs who live under the city said they could think of a compromise — tunneling deeper so the LRT route bypasses their world of secret tunnels that they use to exist and feed their voracious appetite for blood.

“We need to find a better way to tunnel under the city that doesn't ruin the carnivorous lifestyle we've grown accustomed to.” said CHUD Lorzar.

“Maybe they can dig the tunnels a little deeper so our night time feeding hatches aren't affected." 

CHUD Craxus also lives in the tunnels and said he’d prefer to take the tunnels away from their habitation areas and maybe put them above ground away from the CHUD network.

“We live a very confined and quiet life underground feeding on human flesh, and these train tunnels are going to disrupt not only our lives, but the lives of our CHUDlings who growing up learning to feed.” he said.

Ottawa mayor Jim Watson said the city has been co-existing with the CHUDs for many years, and it does seem unfair to disrupt their maniacal underground lairs but sees the plan as one that can be negotiated to provide benefits to both parties. 

"The CHUDs have been living underground for almost a hundred years, so we want to work with them to ensure they can continue to prey on us from their historic underground lairs, but we also want to make sure the city can build an efficient LRT route that will benefit us all." said Watson

CHUDs will convene June 6 to discuss a contingency plan if their underground world is compromised by the planned LRT route.

Area Restaurant Offers Convenient Two Hour Wait For Weekend Breakfast

Hungry customers line up for a convenient 2hour wait.

Ottawa - Hoping to cash in on the popular weekend "brunch" crowd, a local restaurant is offering a favourable 2 hour wait time for hungry customers. With throngs of hungover twenty-year-olds eager to sample creatively prepared breakfast dishes in a quirky atmosphere of bad acoustics, exposed brick walls, and ventilation pipes, Pinched Loaf Bakery in Hintonburg is answering the call with faster wait times and less line-ups.

Typical wait times for artisan style restaurant brunch spots are in the 3-4 hour wait range, but Pinched Loaf Bakery is getting their handcrafted egg concoctions to people faster by using a cafeteria style method of serving similar to Ikea. Special advance seating can also be arranged online, and Pinched Loaf also has a Stand and Eat section for those that don't mind not being able to sit down.

Restaurant owner Mike Hardlow hopes his 2 hour wait will free up some time for customers who would rather be doing other things on a Saturday or Sunday morning, like waiting in line at a Bridgehead, Ikea, or at the Apple Store. "We offer a very convenient wait time, and with our free Wi-Fi, customers in line can surf the web, Skype with other friends in the line-up or even take advantage of our free while-you-wait beard trimming service." explained Hardlow.

Brunch patron Kyle Nelden, 24, enjoying some pan seared whisked discs
after waiting only 2 hours for a table.

Pinched Loaf Bakery specializes in artisan style foods with whimsical alternative names for menu items such as "Pan Seared Whisked Discs" (pancakes) and "Agitated De-shelled Bird Capsules With Pork Shingles" (scrambled eggs and bacon). Hardlow gained notoriety with Ottawa bread buffs by serving his artisan style bread that he makes fresh each day at 2am from a recipe given to him by a renowned bread artist while he worked in a bread gallery inside a cave near Bordeaux, France.

Customers seem to enjoy the reduced wait time at Pinched Loaf and expressed excitement at the fact they'd receive their artisan breakfast sooner. "Our weekend is not complete without spending at least two hours in some kind of line-up, so this place works out well for us." said Fuscia Meeks, 23, who likes to spend her weekends brunching with her friends that are visiting from out of town. "Pretty much every weekend I have someone crashing at my place so I really enjoy coming here and standing in line with them and talking about how crazy our night before was." Meeks explained. "A 2 hour wait AND a $24 plate of bacon and eggs is all part of our perfect weekend experience."

Bridgehead Launches "Lick Up The Latte" Contest

Ottawa - Local coffee giant Bridgehead officially launched their own coffee shop contest to compete with Tim Horton's highly popular "Roll Up The Rim" contest. Called "Lick Up The Latte", coffee customers will have a chance to win an assortment of fairly won prizes that include yoga lessons, baby strollers beard trimmings, and even the grand prize of an all expense paid trip to Machu Pichhu.

Similar to Tim Horton's contest in which customers order a coffee to receive a game play cup, Bridgehead will offer special lattes in which the latte foam will reveal if the customer is a winner or not. Baristas in the Bridgehead dispense an unknown contest foam into the cup where the special foam powder reveals a design that indicates if the customer is a winner or not.

Bridgehead President Of Marketing Frank Durrell says the contest will hopefully give coffee drinkers in the Ottawa area an alternative to Tim Horton's widely popular Roll Up The Rim contest. "We put our beards together on this one and think Lick Up The Latte will be a huge success with our loyal, and new customers alike." says Durrell. The contest closes April 23 when the grand prize to Machu Picchu will be awarded.

Peter Mansbridge To Become New Pope

CBC's Peter Mansbridge will be appointed as Pope Peter X

The Vatican - The papal conclave finalized plans today to appoint CBC News Anchor Peter Mansbridge as the successor to Pope Benedict XVI after a unanimous cardinal voting session within the Sistine Chapel. Mansbridge will be ordained as Pope Peter X in a papal ceremony later this week after the Vatican Clothier outfits Mansbridge in his new Pope clothes and hat.

The decision to appoint Mansbridge came after his exclusive interviews with various cardinals within the papal conclave this week, where his Canadian charm and easy going, but hard-hitting questions commanded the respect of all cardinals in the conclave. Cardinals also cited Mansbridge fit the bill with regards to appearance and stature, stating his looks "fit the bill well as the new Pope".

As the new pontiff, Mansbridge will retire from the CBC where he has been chief correspondent for CBC News and host of the popular program The National. Pope Peter X will then be ceremoniously sworn in as the new Pope at The Vatican as early as next week.

Canadian Cardinal Ouellet, who Mansbridge exclusively interviewed on CBC News, wishes the new pontiff well, and thinks Mansbridge will make a good Pope. "Peter is well suited to being Pope, his looks alone carry him far, but his hard-hitting questions about faith and religion and his congenial behaviour are what I think secured him the vote from the entire conclave." Ouellet remarked.

Other cardinals were less optimistic and cited that the Mansbridge appointment was a clerical error from within the conclave. "You put a pile of 80 year old men together in a room for days, there's bound to be some clerical errors, and I'm not saying Mansbridge shouldn't be the new Pope, I'm just saying I think we goofed up somehow." commented Cardinal Karl Lehmann from Germany. "We really don't know what happened in there because we burnt some stuff in the little oven by accident, so let's just roll with it and see what happens." Lehmann remarked.

McDonald's Denies Claims Shamrock Shakes Contain Leprechaun Meat

Ottawa - The Canadian Food inspection Agency is undergoing an investigation into claims that McDonald's restaurants have been using leprechaun meat in the production of their popular Shamrock Shakes dessert beverages. The lime green,  creamy beverage has been enjoyed by countless customers across North america and has been under scrutiny lately after an investigation revealed there may be traces of small, Irish gnome creatures in their mixture.

Canadian Food Inspection Agency spokesperson, Linda Smail answered questions from the media about their investigation into the leprechaun claims, citing customers reporting a distinct "Irish odour" in the beverage and that the Shamrock Shake had an unusually "meaty" consistency.

Enjoyed by many McDonald's customers in the weeks leading up to St. Patrick's Day, the Shamrock Shake was discontinued in the 1990's until 2011 when it made a combeack. The original recipe contained mint, ice cream and green food colouring, but more recently, traces of leprechaun have been detected after one customer reported a miniature buckled shoe in her Shamrock Shake.

McDonald's spokesperson David Grayson says the claims of Leprechaun meat in the Shamrock Shakes is unsubstantiated and hopes customers will still continue to enjoy the delicious, minty green ice cream treats. "Every Shamrock Shake has a bit of Irish in it, that's why we're called McDonald's and not MacDonald's".

Home Depot Tests New Fuchsia Colour Scheme

Area Home Depot stores are testing a new vibrant fuchsia colour scheme.

Ottawa - In an attempt to lure more female customers to their business, Home Depot began market testing their new fuchsia colour scheme on select Home Depot outlets in the Ottawa area this week. The bold new colour scheme that will replace the standard construction orange hue, will hopefully appeal to the growing female demographic with its vibrant, zesty,  purply pink hue.

Francine Helmsly, Home Depot Director of Marketing And Promotions, describes the new colour scheme as a departure from the standard man-centric orange hue, but thinks the new colour scheme will appeal to the growing female do-it yourselfer demographic. "We're seeing more and more ladies strapping on a tool belt, so we wanted to reach out and capture the essence of bridging the gap between the typical man oriented store we've become known for." Helmsly described. 

Area Ottawa Home Depot stores have undergone extensive repainting of their typical orange colour schemes to the new fuchsia colours over the last two weeks and expect favourable reactions from customers. "We think both burly construction workers/contractors and female home improvers will enjoy our new colours and continue to make Home Depot an important part of their home improvements." said Helmsly.