Subwoofer Vibrates Honda Civic Into Another Dimension

Elgin St. - A suped up 1996 Honda Civic with tinted windows and 22inch chrome rims vanished suddenly from Elgin Street as its subwoofer reached intra-dimensional sonic levels, transporting the car and its occupants into another dimension. The driver of the heavily modified vehicle, Chad Rogan, 22, and passengers, Crysty Vale, 19, Chaz Brennan, 21, were vibrated through inter-dimensional space when the Civic's subwoofer bass levels exceeded volume capacity, creating a dimensional vortex, sucking the car into an unknown dimension. Witnesses observed the modified Civic with tinted windows, huge exhaust tailpipe, giant spoiler and Calvin peeing on Ford symbol emblazoned car disappear at approximately 12:48am Wednesday night after it travelled up and down Elgin Street numerous times. "We heard a distant thumping sound and it got louder as a tricked out Civic approached us in front of Dunn's" remarked witness Chris Hutchins who also saw the car disappear. "The thumping bass got louder then we just saw the whole car vibrate into a blur and disappear" exclaimed Hutchins.

Carleton University Department of Physics professor Dr. Llloyd Gearly refers to this phenomenon as "subwooferizational teleportation" and claims the Civic will never be seen again. "The bass tones generated by the subwoofer inside the vehicle created a rift in the space-time continuum and unfortunately the car and anyone inside it were transported into another dimension where there is no return." remarked Gearly who thinks the subwoofer may have opened an inter-dimensional portal. "They are either vaporized into atomic dust or floating in a black hole environment." claims Gearly. "Its an amazing phenomena that is rarely caught on film."

One witness snapped a cell phone pic of the car as it vibrated into another dimension and has contacted police with the image as they continue to notify next of kin.

OC Transpo Launches New Cats-Only Bus

Ottawa - New OC Transpo boss John Manconi was criticized after the launch of the new CATS-ONLY bus service earlier this week on account the feline transportation system will cost a reported $7 million. Using highly skilled cat drivers, the new cat bus service will be used to pick up cats from around the city and bring them to their requested destinations. The service excludes all human and canine passengers and could pose a safety hazard critics say. "We just saw a cat-bus veer off the road after a bird landed on the windshield, and the cat-driver got distracted." said Ottawa Transportation Committee Head Jean Silvay, who thinks the new cat bus program could also escalate in terms of operational costs. "One cat bus driver costs upwards of $200,000 to properly train to operate a bus, and these dollars I think could be better spent on human bus services." Silvay exclaimed.

The revolutionary new cat bus uses a trained cat to pick up other cats who wander the neighbourhood and charges a fare of 3 licks to the cat driver, who then stops at designated cat stops throughout the city. OC Transpo initiated the new bus service after complaints from human passengers that some cats were found on regular OC Transpo buses. OC Transpo boss John Manconi thinks the new cat bus is innovative in addressing the need for cat transport, and hopes others will see the benefits before dismissing the program. "These cats are highly skilled and can transport other cats all across the Nation's Capital efficiently." suggested Manconi. However one instance had a cat lose control of a bus after a squirrel ran in front of it and distracted the cat driver. No injuries were reported but the cat driver was given a warning by police.

Cats across the city seem to enjoy the new cat bus, and only had positive comments about the controversial service, with one cat passenger expressing excitement and loud purring. "Mew meow meow meow." said Truffles, a tabby from Vanier who was making her way to visit Mittens the cat in Westboro on the new cat bus.

City Of Ottawa Taps City Park Maple Trees For Syrup Revenue

Ottawa - Taking the necessary steps to generate revenue, the City Of Ottawa recently opened tapping lines on a number of maple trees in forested parks across the city. The imaginative and fun new revenue generator will see over 3,000 maple trees tapped for syrup production, with delicious, city made maple syrup being sold for $20 a bottle at local stores this spring. The revenue generated from the sales of the city-made syrup will help defer the annual costs of city park operations and also provide a tasty treat to those who purchase a bottle of the golden syrup.

With the warmer spring weather approaching, city work crews tapped into the maple trees in city parks last week using modern syrup tapping methods, and restricted park use to citizens until they have collected enough sap from the park trees. Collected sap will then be processed in a sugar shack somewhere within City Hall with finished bottles of syrup being sold back to Ottawa residents. "We think this is a fun and tasty way for Ottawa residents to help out with city costs." explained Mayor Watson who spearheaded the syrup campaign dubbed as "Maple Daze". The syrup event will run from March.20-April 15 with a special panacake breakfast at City Hall using the collected city syrup on Marc. 24.

Big Box Mall Welcomes New "MileKelTana's" Restaurant To The Parking Lot

Kanata - A RioCan Big Box Mall on Eagleson Road recently welcomed Cara Foods Ltd. as they opened a new big box mall restaurant combining elements of their successful "Milestones", "Kelsey's" and "Montana's" restaurants under one roof called "MileKelTana's". The new super restaurant opened last Sunday in a corner of the parking lot next to the Best Buy and Home Sense stores with free Xtreme Munchie platters for the first 50 customers. Cara Foods Ltd. is responsible for bringing the culinary delights of fast fried, processed foods to millions of hungry suburban customers across the country and felt the time was right to open a new restaurant that combines all the elements of their popular restaurants in one location. "We really wanted to make it easy for customers to enjoy their favourite Cara Food items in one spot rather than travel from restaurant to restaurant." explained Cara Foods President Lance Vickers. "With MileKeltana's you can now enjoy a martini from Milestones, a deep fried cheese stick from Kelsey's and a processed rib platter from Montana's all in one spot." Vickers remarked.

The RioCan Mall on Eagleson Road near the new Mattamy suburban family community of "Deerwind Trails" was Vickers first choice for the new MileKeltana's location due to its concentration of bored, hungry suburban families in need of a place to drag their screaming children and dissolve their troubles away in colourful martinis and deep fried processed foods. "After a hard day of working in an office environment, commuting home on a gridlocked highway, shopping for a new end table at Home Sense, picking out a new BluRay disc at Best Buy, you want a place to relax and unwind, so that's why we opened our Milekeltana's." says Vickers who is confident the new restaurant will appeal to all members of the Kanata Deerwind Trails community. "We offer something for everyone here at MileKeltana's, from pink martini's to get desperate suburban moms hammered on a girl's night out, to a platter of indistinguishable fried foods for the football team, to chicken nuggets in the shapes of Disney characters for the kids." replied Vickers.

Located beside the bustling Best Buy and Home Sense stores in a delightful corner of the mall parking lot, patrons will enjoy a wonderful view of the polymer stucco wall of a new Winners store being built and enjoy the excitement of watching bulldozers demolish a forest of trees to make room for a new Walmart. MileKeltana's also offers group discounts for those wishing to book a family event or cost controlled office party.

90 Year Old Bellhop Returned To Chateau Laurier After Being Stolen In 1937

Ottawa - A recent request by the historic Fairmont Chateau Laurier for past guests to return items that may have been lifted from the hotel during its 100 years of operation have produced some interesting results as noted by Hotel Manager Judy Deroches. With the 100 year anniversary of the Chateau Laurier approaching this April, Deroches put out a public request for items that were "borrowed" from the hotel during the last 100 years so the hotel can comprise a display of artifacts showcasing the varied history of the hotel. Of particular interest was the return of 90 year old Chester "Chetty" Gorman who was returned to the hotel earlier this week in fair to good condition. Along with the myriad of cutlery, menus, key fobs and other ephemera, Chetty was returned to the hotel in good spirits and looks forward to returning to work at the hotel as a bellhop for the centennial celebrations.

Chester Gorman, or "Chetty" as he was called back in 1937, was stolen from the Chateau Laurier by a gang of rambunctious freshman from the University of Ottawa's Polo Team during an awards ceremony at the hotel in June of 1937. Chetty remembers having a sack being pulled over his head and being taken to a remote location near Merrickville where he remained until this week when he was anonymously returned to the hotel during their "amnesty on stolen goods". Chetty hopes to return to work as a bellhop at the historical hotel this summer when the hotel celebrates its 100 years of operation.

When Chetty was tossed out of a moving minivan onto the front step of the hotel earlier this week, he was relieved to be back at his old place of employment, and expressed gratitude towards his return. "All these years of living in a barn, I never thought I'd have the chance to carry bags again." Chetty remarked before being processed with other returned memorabilia for the 100 year anniversary. In good health, Chetty was greeted by hotel manager Deroches where he will be catalogued and put on display with the other items recently returned to the hotel. "We are elated to have Chetty back with us, and he will be an integral part of our nostalgic display in June when we celebrate the 100 year anniversary of the hotel." remarked Deroches.

Patrons of the Chateau are asked to come forward with any other items that may have come into their possession from the hotel from its opening in 1912 and contribute to the display which will be open to the public in June.

Little Italy Launches New "Pay & Pasta" Parking Meters

Little Italy - The vibrant Italian neighbourhood that stretches along Preston Street from Carling to Somerset recently had new "Pay & Pasta" parking meters installed to help draw visitors to the area. A well known location for Italian cuisine, the City Of Ottawa in association with the Preston Street BIA, developed the concept of dispensing pasta last spring as a way to help boost enjoyment for paid parking.

The new machines operate much like a normal Pay & Display parking machine would, except it dispenses delicious, fresh Italian style pasta in addition to your parking display slip. The added pasta feature not only makes parking in Little Italy a more rewarding exerience, but also gives visitors a chance to savour a taste of the neighbourhood. "I really enjoyed getting fresh fettucini pasta dispensed along with my parking slip." explained Preston Street visitor Gail Herman, who often frequents the variety of Italian shops in the area. "This way I can park and have a treat to take home for dinner." praised Herman.

Even though the new Pay & Pasta machines are receiving high praise from many, there are a few parking visitors who are complaining the machines do not dispense gluten-free pasta, such as Norm Little, who traveled from Westboro to park on Preston Street. "I think they have to address the growing need for gluten-free drivers who park here." Little remarked. "We pay the same price to park but can't enjoy the type of pasta these new machines dispense." said Little.

New pasta types will be introduced each month, with March slated for spaghetti, and April lasagna pasta. Mayor Jim Watson unveiled the first machine to be installed on Preston Street yesterday and called the Pay & Pasta machines a great way to literally enjoy the flavour of the neighbourhood. "It's great that your money not only gets you parking in one of the finest cities in Canada, but also fresh delicious pasta in a variety of shapes." Watson exclaimed during the unveiling.

Local Band Plays Actual Piece Of Shit On Stage

Ottawa - The Mapledale Tavern recently played host to local indie rock band "Blood Toilet" who took to the stage to play an actual piece of fecal matter. Band member Kyle Grayson, 27, fashioned a solidified piece of feces into a musical instrument that he played on stage. "I think folks are really gonna dig this new piece of shit we are going to play tonight." remarked Grayson who created the band Blood Toilet with some friends from college in 2009. Blood Toilet has played a repertoire of classic indie grunge/thrash rock where their goal is to make every song sound exactly the same while making people cover their ears in pain at the excruciating noise they create. Grayson hopes the new piece of shit they will play will bring a new level of enjoyment to those that attend their shows. Utilizing a rare piece of feces from an African elephant that Grayson had solidified with epoxy resin, the feces was then transformed into an electrical musical instrument similar to a guitar but is pounded and strummed to create a thumping sound.

After patrons were forced to pay an $18 cover charge to enter the Mapledale Tavern, they were then forced to pay $9.00 a beer while listening to the piece of shit being played. Seated in musty smelling, poorly lit surroundings, patrons did not look shocked to see the piece of shit being played before them until the sound was turned up to maximum levels. The Mapledale Tavern, frequented by a large number of hipster youths who normally seem to care more about the fact they are actually in the Mapledale than who the band is, seemed to express excitement over the fecal matter being played on stage and look forward to Blood Toilet's next album which is due out April 1st.