Finally Girls Get Huge Sunglasses That Cover Entire Face

 Ottawa - Girls throughout the Ottawa region were excited to learn that they will now be able to have huge sunglasses that will cover their entire facial region. Previous sunglasses were only big enough to cover the upper eyebrow and cheek areas, but with the new "FaceShades" from CHANEL, ladies will now be able to envelope their entire face with giant sunglasses.

Working closely with renowned sunglasses researcher Helmut Schmidt, CHANEL was able to engineer the highly sought after sunglasses that will cover the whole face, bringing joy to millions of ladies who want their sunglasses even bigger than before. "I'm so excited that I'll now be able to cover my whole face with these new glasses!" exclaimed Ottawa resident Jenny Gorman, who previously only had sunglasses that covered 25% of her face. "These new CHANEL Face Shades are exactly what all us ladies want." Gorman declared. 

Using advanced sunglasses technology, the new FaceShades will eliminate the need for sunscreen on the face as well as providing a chic fashion statement for ladies who want bigger sunglasses than ones previously available. CHANEL engineers are also working on a new mens sunglasses design for bald men that stay permanently atop their forehead the entire summer season.  The new Faceshades from CHANEL will be vaialble exclusively through Holt Renfrew and will retail for about $300. 

Police Sketch Artist Might Be Losing It With Recent 'Ziggy' Sketches

A somewhat poor suspect sketch by Police Sketch Artist Dwayne Hudson

Ottawa - After years of sketching countless criminals and courtrooms, Ottawa Police Services could relieve their police sketch artist    Dwayne Hudson of his duties after a Police Board review found his recent sketch skill levels to be of poor quality. Slipping further into an odd display of sketching only Ziggy-like characters, Hudson, 38, has been off the mark when it comes to trying to identify potential criminals in the Ottawa area. Using first person accounts and descriptions of potential suspects, Hudson has managed to make every suspect look like Ziggy in all of his police sketches. A popular comic strip character from the 1970s, Ziggy is the subject of Hudson's recent sketches for reasons unknown.


Other sketches of suspects have looked like the frazzled "Cathy" comic strip character, and sometimes even a combination of Ziggy and Cathy. Other sketches by Hudson depict bizarre, poorly executed sketches that resemble odd characters from his imagination, with little or no resemblance to the suspect at large. "We don't know what's happened with Dwayne, his sketches were starting to get worse and worse, but now they just all look like Ziggy." commented Ottawa Police Chief Bordeleau, who praised Hudson's previous sketch work, but now thinks his art is entering a 'dark period'.


Hudson, a graduate of Queen's University Fine Arts Program, has been the official sketch artist with the Ottawa Police since 1994, but colleagues believe his skills are beginning to wane after drawing thousands of countless suspects. "He's losing it, which is too bad because he used to be really good," said Constable Greenberg, a friend of Hudson. "I feel for the guy, but its hard to track suspects when the sketches we have to go on all look like Ziggy." Greenberg remarked.

Chinese Couple Adopt Caucasian Baby

Chongqing - A happy Chinese couple celebrated the arrival of their newly adopted Caucasian baby boy earlier today after a lengthy adoption process trying to bring the baby from North America.  Cheng-Li, 28, and Xi-Ping, 38, welcomed the blue-eyed, blonde toddler into their home just outside the bustling city of Chongqing where they will finally be able to raise their son after an 18 month legal and immigration process. "We just want to start enjoying our little Tyler." said Cheng-Li, who spent 24 hrs on a flight from Los Angeles to bring their new boy home. Tyler, aged 10 months, was adopted from an orphanage in Orange County where unwanted babies are given to the state for an international adoption program. "Now we can finally begin being parents and have Tyler sleep in our home where we will begin his math and spelling tutoring." an emotional Xi-Ping replied through translators when asked about upcoming plans for their new baby.


Many North American Caucasian babies are now finding homes with newly wealthy young Chinese couples who may have trouble conceiving a child of their own. These new Chinese adoptive parents opt for the novelty of a North American Caucasian baby that resembles the children of popular Hollywood and television programs. Adopt-a-Cauc, a Los Angeles based adoption agency has seen an increase in demand for caucasian babies since opening last year, with over 3,000 placements to Chinese parents in 2011 alone. "We are seeing a demand for blue-eyed blonde babies, a demand we are trying to keep up with." says Adopt-a-Cauc Senior Manager Sue Ribbons explained. "They want a baby that will grow up to be a movie-star." Ribbons remarked.


Tyler will soon have his name changed to Yongzhu, to better fit in with his Chinese counterparts and culture, but for now baby Tyler seems quite content chewing on ginseng root while playing with his new parents.

Transitway Trench Converted Into Westboro Kayak Commuting Canal

Westboro - Flooding of the OC Transpo Transitway trench that runs from Westboro Station to Bayview Station began yesterday after residents of the area successfully lobbied City Hall to convert the 4 km stretch of trench into a kayak commuting canal. A popular form of transportation with Westboro residents, kayaks can now now commute freely from the Westboro station to the downtown core via the new waterway. Using a lock system similar to the Rideau Canal, the new kayak canal allows kayaking commuters to paddle safely and efficiently downtown during morning rush hour and home again in the late afternoon. Flooding of the trench takes place daily between 6am and 8am, with kayakers permitted to use the waterway between 8am-6pm, after which the trench is drained for evening bus route use.


"This new kayak canal is a step in the right direction towards a greener and more eco-friendly form of commuting within the city of Ottawa." announced Mayor Jim Watson at a press conference held earlier Monday afternoon. "Using an innovative flooding and draining system, we will successfully allow the eco-conscious residents of Westboro to kayak freely and safely along the Transitway trench, drastically reducing carbon-emissions within the city." exclaimed Watson. Westboro Community President Diane Horgan-Smith applauded the decision to allow Westborians to kayak in the trench and looks forward to many others using it as viable form of commuting transport. "The trench makes a great kayak route for us to get into our government jobs downtown while at the same time providing a tranquil and fitness-oriented  means of transportation." Horgan-Smith remarked.


The kayak canal will use water pumped in from the nearby Ottawa river, and is expected to be closed for most of the summer due to high counts of E.Coli that occurs during that time. Kayakers can use the trench waterway free of charge but will have to pay for storage of their kayaks and/or parking of their Subarus that carry the kayaks at either end zone. At a cost of $1.00 an hour to park their vehicle and kayaks, many residents are excited about the prospect of using the trench and hope to see man-made rapids installed in the coming years. "I can't wait to traverse the Tunney's chute to work!" exclaimed one enthusiastic kayaker, Drew Slandros, 34, from Westboro. "The commute should be even more fun when they stock the canal with koi fish next week." 

Sens Play-Off Beards Affecting Gameplay

Foligno trips over his own beard during Game 5

Ottawa - The Ottawa Senators dramatic loss to the New York Rangers after Monday night's Game 6 has some people speculating the player's beards may be the root of their problem. Sporting traditional play-off beards, members of the Senators hockey team sometimes find themselves tripping over their own beards during the game, limiting their chances of scoring. Other beard related problems on the ice include impaired vision as the long beards blow in front of their eyes, stick tangling and also obstruction of movement during shots on goal. 

With beard growth varying between the players, many have shorter beards, while others have extremely long beard growth that could be causing on-ice problems, preventing the Senators from scoring. "The long beards could definitely be posing a problem with regards to our scoring chances." commented Senators Head Coach Paul MacLean who thinks the beards are hindering the the team's abilities to score. "We lost a couple scoring opportunities when Neil's beard tripped Turris in front of the net last night, but we'll have to review thew tapes." MacLean exclaimed from under his large groomed moustache.



The Ottawa Senators move to New York for Game 7 Thursday night where it is not known if the beards will be trimmed for the final game of the series. 

Ottawa Gets New All-Ad, All-Adele Radio Station

Ottawa - The competitive radio scene in Ottawa continues to heat up after it was announced today that a broadcasting licence was awarded to the New ADHEL 99.9, a radio station that will only broadcast ads and Adele. The new AdHel 99.9 hit the airwaves yesterday morning with a completely music -free broadcast of ads bridged by popular Adele tunes.

Hoping to corner the ever increasing ad-market in Ottawa radio, AdHel 99.9 hopes to cash in on the popularity of ads and Adele in one fell swoop, using the popularity of the Grammy winning Adele to help promote their all-ad format. Vice President of Marketing at AdHel 99.99, Mark Gleberzon, hopes the new all-ad format will entice new listeners who are tired of listening to local radio stations playing pesky music all the time. "We feel AdHel 99.9 will offer a delightful mix of local ads and the ever so-popular Adele in a winning combination that will sure to please." stated Gleberzon.

Using popular radio ads from Subway, Dilawri Automotive Group, and Sleep Country Canada, Gelberzon hopes the new all-ad format will make a splash on the airwaves and give listeners a chance to hear what a lot of people hope for: more ads. "We'll have all the favourites including the five-dollar foot long Subway ad, The Nobody Deals Like Dilawri! jingle as well as a heavy rotation of the Frisby Tire Guy telling you what tires you should currently have on your car." explained Gleberzon. "And all the ads will be bridged seamlessly with the undeniably enjoyable sounds of Adele, who is popular in her own right." Gleberzon explained.

The New AdHel 99.9 kicks off their new daily broadcast each morning using a zippy morning show called the "Jingle Jam" with personalities "LocoLenny" and "The Hudge" from 6-9am. After the morning show the station switches to their all-ad format, with news on the hour, each hour. A special station kick-off event is planned for this Saturday where AdHel-99.9 will be live, on-location at The Brick in Kanata Centrum from 9am-noon with free coffee mugs being distributed.

Lego Launches New "Westboro" Themed Playsets

Westboro - Lego has announced plans to release a new line of "Westboro" themed playsets for an early Summer 2012 launch. The popular children's building brick manufacturer is using Ottawa's trendy Westboro neighbourhood as the basis for its latest themed playsets. Along with its top-selling "Star Wars", "City" and "Construct" series of themed playsets, the Westboro series will focus on well-known Westboro themes such as condos, strollers and even hipsters that frequent the area just outside the Westboro zone.

Lego Vice President of Marketing, Largo Jensaan revealed the launch of the new Westboro building sets during a press conference at Ottawa City Hall Monday evening. Calling the new line a "breakthrough in neighbourhood-centric playsets" , Jensaan calls the Westboro themed building sets a "great way for kids to recreate the neighbourhood they live in, or hope to live in someday". Lego researched the area over the course of 8 months in 2009 and developed the new themed playsets to reflect the most popular and interesting aspects of the community. "We noticed a lot of kayaks, strollers and a large number of condo developments along with an adult population that worked for the federal government." exclaimed Jensaan. "We focused our building sets to recreate that neighbourhood dynamic so kids could replicate the same sense of excitement." Lego also found that a large number of their sales were centred in the Westboro neighbourhood, further prompting them to develop a series that catered to the children who enjoy their product the most.

The new series of "Westboro" playsets includes a 28 story condo tower, a Westboro Daddy with stroller, a kayak, a federal government office cubicle, as well as a hipster from the more easterly Hintonburg neighbourhood that sports an Elmdale Tavern shirt, a scruffy beard, large rimmed glasses and a taco and microbrew in the toy figure's hand. The Westboro Lego playsets will be available at Lost Marbles in Westboro June 1, and other stores across Canada June 15th.